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HAVE KIDS? Do I
look like a masochist to you?
It was only a little over a year ago that friends of
mine were asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” and I would answer,
“When there’s peace in the Middle East.” My idea of having children was
adopting stray dogs and failing to potty train them in a one bedroom
apartment dead center in the middle of Hollywood. Did I mention I also had
two pet chickens? No joke. And here were the litany of my reasons for never
having children:
First let’s start with getting pregnant. Your mornings
begin with glorious vomiting sessions followed by a stray peek in the mirror
which confirms that yes you are pregnant and will shortly be morphing into
Fat Bastard’s kid sister. Yes, there’s no denying, you are about to turn
into “Big Bitch”. In labor you may even bite off one of your partner’s
fingers. Now, if your belly and breasts extending all the way to Texas is
not enough to send you running to get sterilized then think about the world
atlas map of stretch marks crawling across your entire body. That’s right,
all you have to do the next time your husband gets you both lost is just
lift up your shirt. And although everyone tells you this is the one time in
your life you can eat with impunity, it sort of starts to get to you when at
three months pregnant you are stopped about twenty times a day to be asked
if you are having triplets. If agoraphobia hasn’t set in at this point,
don’t worry – it will. By the eight month you are running to the bathroom
every five minutes and I mean EVERY five minutes! This is a good time to
have your doctor hook you up to catheter on the go.
Now comes the big day to give birth. You have two
choices: A; The C-Section (i.e.) being filleted like a smoked salmon as the
doctors cut through 7 layers of fat or B; The Vginal birth – where they
take the V in Vagina and pass a baby with a head the size of a football
right out of your itty bitty teeny weenie V – who will never be the same
again – not even after twenty years of therapy.
And what do you get for all of this pain and
suffering? I figured he would be a seven pound senile old man who would
slowly gain his memory and motor functions so he could tell me “No! I hate
you!” I could go on for another eighteen years why I thought it insane to
ever have children, but now comes the truth; I WAS WRONG!
The moment I discovered I was pregnant I found myself
drowning in maternal bliss. Go figure. The maternal instincts I thought were
non existent within me awakened with such enthusiasm that I ran around for
nine months clapping my hands together like Eddie Murphy and shouting,
“Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!” No I didn’t name my son Hercules. I’m just
an extremely silly person and I was very excited to have a human being
growing inside of me. Not to mention, he was a boy! I was able to walk
around for nine months and truthfully say “I’ve got balls!” But in all
seriousness, I was truly petrified of messing up my son’s life. I come from
a dysfunctional family. My father made movies about monster babies. There
you have it!
So, not wanting my son to turn into one of grandpa’s
monsters, I ran out to Barnes and Nobles and bought every book in the
parenting section. From child rearing to which colleges to send your kid to,
I read them all and then some. You know, it’s easier getting elected
president than it is going through the process of adopting a child in
America. But anyone can go out and get pregnant and have a baby. There are
no regulations, no laws and no restrictions. In my politically incorrect
opinion most people should be sterilized - myself included! So I decided if
I was going to bring a child into this world I had better study and learn
how not to do what was done with me and most of my friends. The days of
washing a child’s mouth out with soap or chasing him around with a switch
are over. The days of “What are you, a moron?” are over. It’s time for
parents to step up and learn to be parents and learn how to treat a tiny
human with respect and love. So I hit the books and began my nine month
crash course of Parenting 101.
I don’t know what happened, but from the moment I
discovered that my husband had knocked me up I have been happier than a clam
in the sand. And now my son is here and we get to spend our lives with him.
I get to watch him grow up and I get to teach him about the world and show
him all the incredible things the earth has to offer. If you have ever been
in love I can give you a glimpse of what being a mother is like. It’s like
being in love times one million and then multiply that times a trillion.
It’s the most delicious love you will ever taste. And with a little help and
a few quick and easy tips, motherhood is truly heaven here on earth.
This is why I have decided to start the Mommy Nose
Column. I want to pass on to all expectant parents my incredible experiences
of do’s and don’ts. I think it’s high time that someone write a column on
parenting and how not to screw up our children like a lot of parents have up
until now. So from conception to college I will take you though my
experiences with my son, Gabriel and what I have learned every week; what
works and what doesn’t, which products rock and which products need to take
a roll right into the garbage can. I am going to find out everything from
the best baby daycare centers in California to the most child friendly
restaurants in Beverly Hills. And I will even have a paragraph at the end
of my column to answer one letter a week from inquiring parents all around
the world! I hope you keep reading and I hope that those who have come to
laugh will stay to learn a little too … because our children are our future.
Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! Mommy Nose
Mommy Nose takes Baby Nose to the Getty Museum for some culture.
This is the best baby deal in town. $7.00 to park and it's free to get in!
It's gloriously beautiful up there. Do go give it a look. You'll be
glad you did. |
