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 COMING SOON ... The Mommy Nose Podcast

HAVE KIDS? Do I look like a masochist to you?

It was only a little over a year ago that friends of mine were asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” and I would answer, “When there’s peace in the Middle East.” My idea of having children was adopting stray dogs and failing to potty train them in a one bedroom apartment dead center in the middle of Hollywood.  Did I mention I also had two pet chickens? No joke. And here were the litany of my reasons for never having children:

 First let’s start with getting pregnant. Your mornings begin with glorious vomiting sessions followed by a stray peek in the mirror which confirms that yes you are pregnant and will shortly be morphing into Fat Bastard’s kid sister. Yes, there’s no denying, you are about to turn into “Big Bitch”.  In labor you may even bite off one of your partner’s fingers. Now, if your belly and breasts extending all the way to Texas is not enough to send you running to get sterilized then think about the world atlas map of stretch marks crawling across your entire body. That’s right, all you have to do the next time your husband gets you both lost is just lift up your shirt. And although everyone tells you this is the one time in your life you can eat with impunity, it sort of starts to get to you when at three months pregnant you are stopped about twenty times a day to be asked if you are having triplets. If agoraphobia hasn’t set in at this point, don’t worry – it will. By the eight month you are running to the bathroom every five minutes and I mean EVERY five minutes!  This is a good time to have your doctor hook you up to catheter on the go. 

 Now comes the big day to give birth.  You have two choices: A; The C-Section (i.e.) being filleted like a smoked salmon as the doctors cut through 7 layers of fat or B; The Vaginal birth – where they take the V in Vagina and pass a baby with a head the size of a football right out of your itty bitty teeny weenie V – who will never be the same again – not even after twenty years of therapy.

 And what do you get for all of this pain and suffering? I figured he would be a seven pound senile old man who would slowly gain his memory and motor functions so he could tell me “No! I hate you!”  I could go on for another eighteen years why I thought it insane to ever have children, but now comes the truth; I WAS WRONG! 

 The moment I discovered I was pregnant I found myself drowning in maternal bliss. Go figure. The maternal instincts I thought were non existent within me awakened with such enthusiasm that I ran around for nine months clapping my hands together like Eddie Murphy and shouting, “Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!” No I didn’t name my son Hercules. I’m just an extremely silly person and I was very excited to have a human being growing inside of me. Not to mention, he was a boy!  I was able to walk around for nine months and truthfully say “I’ve got balls!” But in all seriousness, I was truly petrified of messing up my son’s life. I come from a dysfunctional family. My father made movies about monster babies. There you have it!

 So, not wanting my son to turn into one of grandpa’s monsters, I ran out to Barnes and Nobles and bought every book in the parenting section. From child rearing to which colleges to send your kid to, I read them all and then some.  You know, it’s easier getting elected president than it is going through the process of adopting a child in America. But anyone can go out and get pregnant and have a baby. There are no regulations, no laws and no restrictions. In my politically incorrect opinion most people should be sterilized - myself included!  So I decided if I was going to bring a child into this world I had better study and learn how not to do what was done with me and most of my friends. The days of washing a child’s mouth out with soap or chasing him around with a switch are over. The days of “What are you, a moron?” are over. It’s time for parents to step up and learn to be parents and learn how to treat a tiny human with respect and love. So I hit the books and began my nine month crash course of Parenting 101.  

 I don’t know what happened, but from the moment I discovered that my husband had knocked me up I have been happier than a clam in the sand. And now my son is here and we get to spend our lives with him. I get to watch him grow up and I get to teach him about the world and show him all the incredible things the earth has to offer.  If you have ever been in love I can give you a glimpse of what being a mother is like.  It’s like being in love times one million and then multiply that times a trillion. It’s the most delicious love you will ever taste. And with a little help and a few quick and easy tips, motherhood is truly heaven here on earth. 

 This is why I have decided to start the Mommy Nose Column. I want to pass on to all expectant parents my incredible experiences of do’s and don’ts. I think it’s high time that someone write a column on parenting and how not to screw up our children like a lot of parents have up until now.  So from conception to college I will take you though my experiences with my son, Gabriel and what I have learned every week; what works and what doesn’t, which products rock and which products need to take a roll right into the garbage can.  I am going to find out everything from the best baby daycare centers in California to the most child friendly restaurants in Beverly Hills.  And I will even have a paragraph at the end of my column to answer one letter a week from inquiring parents all around the world!  I hope you keep reading and I hope that those who have come to laugh will stay to learn a little too … because our children are our future.

 Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! Mommy Nose

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"Imagine being madly, deeply, insanely, totally and irreversibly in love – now multiply that by a million and you have just scratched the surface of what it’s like to give birth and have a mini you." Mommy Nose

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