MOMMY NOSE'S TOP 10 TIPS FOR JULY

1.The MIRACLE BLANKET  IS THE BEST SWADDLE BLANKET IN TOWN!

It literally puts the baby in a straight jacket so they can't worm out and strangle themselves!  I highly recommend this blanket and I can't emphasize how important it is to get Harvey Karp's "THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK" VIDEO!!! This is the number one secret to a really happy baby!

2. A GREAT REASON FOR NOT LETTING HIM SIT IN IT!

Another good reason to change your baby's diaper fast is that it will help you immensely with potty training in the future! If they never sit in a wet diaper now when they are little, when it comes time to start training them - around 18 months - you can then wait about 20 - 30 minutes before changing them.  They won't like the feeling because they won't be used to it and so they will want out of diapers very fast.  If you leave your baby to sit in diapers full of pee pee - they will get used to it and grow to like it.  We don't want that!  Oh no!

3. THE BEST BABY MONITOR IN THE WORLD IS ....

The best monitor on the market is the ANGEL SENSOR - This is the only monitor worth anything!  WHY???  Because the Angel Sensor not only monitor's the baby so you can hear him when he's in his crib - check this out - It's got a sensor on it that monitor's the baby's breathing too. IF YOUR BABY STOP BREATHING FOR MORE THAN 20 SECONDS THE ANGEL SENSOR SETS OFF AN ALARM TO WARN YOU!!! This Angel sensor is truly an angel watching over your baby.  When Baby Nose was 6 weeks old I had him upstairs in his crib and I was downstairs washing the dishes. While washing my favorite crystal goblet the Angel Sensor suddenly went off!  I dropped the goblet and as it went crashing to pieces on the floor I dashed up the stairs like a bat out of hell. I grabbed Baby Nose out of his crib and yelled "BREATHE!" He opened his eyes and looked at me and I collapsed on to the floor with relief with the love of my life in my arms.  I don't know if he was going into SIDS or what.  But I do know I am so grateful I had the Angel Sensor and not some ding bat monitor with a waste of time TV screen that would have told me nothing. Baby Nose is alive and well and breathing better than ever! 

4. DID YOU KNOW YOUR BABIES HOLD THEIR BREATH FOR ...

It is common for a baby to hold his breath when he is born for up to 12 seconds!  They do this frequently and it can scare the pants right off you! Don't panic!  It's normal! But if they hold their breath for over 20 seconds - they should be awakened enough to take a deep breath in. 

5. THE Q-TIP UP THE BUTT TRICK

So you've done everything - fed them, changed them into a new diaper, they're well rested and they've just let off a big burp. You've watched Dr., Harp's video the Happiest Baby On The Block and the swaddle and shake just aren't cutting it. Everything has been accounted for!  There's no cactus in their shoes so what's the problem here? My kid is hysterical!  Well folks, here's the big question ... when's the last time your baby had an EXPLOSION IN THE PANTS??? If it has been over 12 hours then your newborn may have what's called and IMPACTED ANUS - NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEE!  It's alarming, but it happens. Your baby just can't get it out.  What to do?????  Take a Q-Tip (Ask your doctor first please!!!! I take no liability for this action here!) - Now that you've asked your doctor - take a Q-Tip and lube it up well with Vaseline and GENTLY PEOPLE! Gently stick up your baby's butt about 1/2 inch and stir!  That's right. You are about to stir up some shit!   The first 2 times you do this your baby will most likely be very displeased, but you will come to find that this  Q-Tip action will promote the most beautiful explosion in the pants you have ever seen, leaving you with one very satisfied customer. 

6. SIGN UP FOR CPR CLASS NOW!

Sign up for CPR class now. Most classes won't let you bring your baby - although the class I took with Daddy Nose and Baby Nose was in West Hollywood and everyone brought their baby. It was a blast and we all got to network and talk baby with each other!  But the CPR training is long and hard and draining so it's good to get it out of the way.  You need to know this stuff Mommies and Daddies!  Both of you!  It WILL save your baby's life one day or someone else's for that matter!

7. DON'T BUY YOUR CRIB FROM POTTERY BARN - NOW THAT I MENTION IT, DON'T BUY A CRIB AT ALL!

Don't buy your crib from Pottery Barn!  It's an over priced rip off! The one's at Babies R Us are gorgeous! Much nicer looking and 1/3 the price! Had I known I could have gotten the entire ENGRAVED bedroom set for the price I paid for just the crib!  Mommy Nose was suckered once again!  Also know this - If you are pregnant and happy to be pregnant and excited about having this baby - I've got news -  You and your baby will be sleeping in the same bed and if you don't have a king size bed your husband or partner will be sleeping on the floor! I don't care what anyone says - these little enchiladas are too irresistible to resist!  I only know one couple who actually used the $1000.00 crib they bought and they live in San Francisco and are currently raising their child in a closet!  I kid you not!  It's a very nice closet, but it is a closet nonetheless. Boy when this kid comes out he's really going to come out.

8.  MAKE YOUR BED BABY SAFE! HERE'S HOW!

Make sure you shove the mattress to the head of the bed - Now there should be a SMALL space between the mattress and the footboard.  STUFF THIS WITH FOAM&/OR 2 HUGE BODY PILLOWS AND MAKE SURE YOU REALLY SHOVE THEM IN THERE. They should line up evenly with the top of the mattress ~ SO THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOUR BABY CAN EVER SLIP INTO THE CRACK AT THE HEADBOARD OR FOOTBOARD.  Basically, you are going to eliminate this problem by stuffing one side so tightly to the top there is no where for baby to fall into. 

NEXT ... Buy a Crib Rail for your bed so there is no way baby can ever roll off the bed! 

next ... Sleep with baby's head above you!  Your pillow should never be above him. Now you can cover yourself with sheets and he is safely above you! 

NEXT ... Never Never Never sleep with your baby after you have been drinking!!!!  And if you are gross and still smoke DON'T CO-SLEEP WITH YOUR BABY! This is where the studies are high for SIDS!!!  Something about the smoke on you and the baby smelling it - believe it or not ~ Scientists are saying this causes SIDS.

9. THE BEST CRIB MOBILE ON THE MARKET IS....

The Symphony In Motion is by far the coolest looking and most baby eye catching mobile of all. While all the other mobiles leave your baby starring at some animals ass, this mobile actually has the animals tipped downward so that the baby is actually getting to see their face as well as their bodies. It plays classical music and it looks great too!  If you have a head board with slates in it you can attach it to your bed.

10.  BUY AN EXTRA CAR SEAT BASE FOR YOUR GRACO INFANT CAR SEAT!

If you are planning on ever leaving your baby with anyone then you should have an extra car seat base. They are only 30.00 and you can buy them even cheaper off of EBAY.  Now if you leave your baby and his car seat with someone - you go down to their car and install the seat base - once you do this 2 times it is very easy!  The first 2 times suck wind.  Now if for any reason - earthquake, end of the world, terrorist attack, suddenly the baby sitter has to have ice crème or else they will die - they can put the baby into their car and off they go!  This is an important safety issue because if you don't leave them the car seat you are in essence leaving your baby and the baby sitter stranded. My girl friend had me baby sit her baby while I was pregnant and I kept thinking "What happens if I go into labor while I'm taking care of this kid?" Now we have to take an ambulance to the hospital? PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Give me a car seat with a base and a route of escape with this kid over here! My other girlfriend who has a baby said she wouldn't want anyone to take her baby anywhere and that if it was an emergency they could call 911 and get an ambulance. And that is all fine and dandy - but if my baby cut his little hand and needed to go to emergency I would not want to pay the $1500.00 deductible on my insurance for that!  I'd rather leave my baby sitter an escape route with my baby so they could drive to the hospital and I could meet them there. P